It probably started during Thanksgiving. You observed your mother-in-law’s face brighten up the moment your nephew entered the room. She pulled him onto her lap and immediately began inquiring about his soccer team in detail. Your daughter, who arrived five minutes later, received a brief “hi, sweetie” and a pat on the head. No follow-up questions. No lap.
Perhaps you tried to convince yourself it didn’t mean anything. But grandparents playing favorites is a real thing, and you aren’t the only one dealing with it. It also happened at Christmas, then again at Easter. And now your eight-year-old has started posing the question that breaks your heart: “Why does grandma like cousin Jake more than me?”
Grandparent favoritism is extremely common. About three-fourths of grandmothers said they feel closer to one grandchild than the others, according to a 2014 study published in The Journals of Gerontology. Whether it moves from harmless preference to damaging favoritism depends on how transparent it becomes and how it impacts the less-favored child.
This guide is for you, the adult child caught in the middle. Not the grandparent who needs a gentle reminder, and not the parenting expert offering platitudes. This is practical, research-backed advice for handling grandparent favoritism without blowing up your family in the process.
Grandparent Favoritism: Why It Happens (And Why It’s Usually Not Malicious)
Before you assume the worst, it helps to understand why grandparent favoritism happens. More often than not, it’s not done out of ill will — it’s the outcome of natural, everyday dynamics.
Proximity bias. It’s only logical that grandparents who live close to one branch of the family will form much stronger, deeper relationships with those grandchildren. Research from the AARP shows that living near one another is the strongest predictor of the quality of the grandparent-grandchild relationship. The grandkids who live 20 minutes away get Saturday pancakes. The ones a thousand miles away get a birthday card.
Personality match. Not all children have the same type of relationship with their grandparents. A quiet grandpa who likes fishing may gravitate more toward a calm, steady grandchild and not toward the one bouncing off the couch. This doesn’t mean your child is being ignored intentionally — it’s human nature. But it still hurts when your bouncing-around kid is the less favored one.
Birth order and first-grandchild syndrome. The first grandchild often receives an outsized amount of attention simply because they were the first to make grandma a grandma. The excitement, the novelty, the empty photo albums waiting to be filled — it all lands on that one child. By the fourth grandchild, the camera comes out less often.
Gender expectations. Some grandparents from older generations connect more easily with grandchildren who fit traditional gender expectations. A grandfather might have a harder time relating to a granddaughter, or a grandmother may unconsciously prefer spending time with granddaughters over grandsons. According to the American Psychological Association, these generational gender biases often operate beneath conscious awareness.
Blended family dynamics. In blended families, step-grandchildren or “newer” grandchildren sometimes receive less attention. The favoritism may be less about the child and more about the grandparent’s relationship with the adult child’s partner.
Understanding the reason doesn’t give grandparents permission to keep it up. But having this insight helps you approach the conversation from a place of clarity rather than letting anger and resentment take over.
7 Signs of Grandparent Favoritism
Sometimes favoritism is obvious — Grandma brings one grandchild a new video game and hands another a pack of gum. But it can also be more subtle, and recognizing the patterns is the first step toward addressing them.
1. Unequal gift-giving. The issue isn’t so much about the cost of the present as it is the consideration given. The favored child gets a thoughtful gift tailored to their interests. The other gets a generic gift card.
2. Differential attention during visits. The grandparent asks the favored child detailed questions about school, friends, and hobbies. The other grandchild gets surface-level small talk or is ignored entirely.
3. More photos of one grandchild. Check the mantle, the fridge, the Facebook profile. If one grandchild dominates the photo display while others are absent, that’s a signal.
4. Invitations that exclude. The grandparent takes the favored child on outings — movies, ice cream, fishing trips — without extending the invitation to siblings or cousins.
5. Different discipline standards. The favorite can do no wrong. The other is corrected or criticized for the same behavior the favorite gets away with.
6. Body language. Which child does the grandparent reach for first? Who gets the most eye contact during family conversations? Physical affection that’s warm for one child and perfunctory for another says a lot.
7. The grandparent talks about one grandchild constantly. You hear endless stories about the favorite’s achievements but the grandparent can’t name your child’s teacher or best friend.
If you’re recognizing three or more of these patterns, you’re not just dealing with a casual preference. It’s favoritism, and it shouldn’t be ignored.
The Psychological Impact of Grandparent Favoritism on Your Child
You may be thinking that you’re overreacting. You’re not. The research on favoritism within families consistently shows that perceived differential treatment causes real psychological harm.
A study from Cornell University on parental favoritism found that the less-favored child experiences higher rates of depression, lower self-esteem, and increased behavioral problems. Grandparent favoritism doesn’t carry the same weight as parental favoritism, since the grandparent isn’t in charge of the daily life of the child. However, the grandparent relationship is often still significant, so it’s likely to cause similar harm — especially when grandparents are heavily involved.
What children internalize:
- “Something is wrong with me.”
- “I’m not lovable enough.”
- “I have to earn love by being different.”
What you might observe:
- Your child withdrawing before or during grandparent visits
- Increased anxiety around family gatherings
- Acting out to get the grandparent’s attention (negative attention is still attention)
- Comparing themselves unfavorably to the favored cousin or sibling
- Resisting visits with that grandparent altogether
The National Institute of Mental Health notes that children who feel rejected by important attachment figures are at elevated risk for anxiety disorders and depression, particularly during adolescence.
This isn’t about creating kids who fall apart when they don’t get their way. It’s about shielding your child from the emotional injury that comes from believing someone who is supposed to love them unconditionally doesn’t love them enough.
How to Talk to Grandparents About Favoritism
This is the conversation you’ve been dreading. But sidestepping it doesn’t protect your child — it just shows them that their feelings aren’t worth advocating for.
Find the Right Time and Place
Don’t ambush grandparents at a family gathering. Don’t text it. Have this conversation privately, one-on-one, ideally with your spouse present if it’s their parent. Choose a calm moment — not right after an incident when emotions are running high.
Lead With Love, Not Accusation
If grandparents hear your message as an attack on their character, they’re going to dig in and fight back. Frame the conversation around your child’s experience instead:
- Instead of: “You treat Jake better than Emma.”
- Try: “Emma mentioned she felt left out last weekend, and I’ve noticed it too. She really wants to be close to you, and I want to help make that happen.”
Give Details, Not Impressions
Vague complaints are easy to dismiss. Come prepared with concrete examples:
- “At the birthday party, you spent about 40 minutes building LEGOs with Jake but didn’t interact with Emma at all.”
- “You’ve taken Jake to the movies three times this year. Emma hasn’t been invited once.”
Offer Solutions, Not Just Problems
Grandparents may genuinely not know how to fix the dynamic. Give them specific ideas:
- “Emma loves baking. Could you two make cookies together next time she visits?”
- “What if you took each grandchild on a one-on-one outing once a month?”
- “I can send you updates about what Emma’s into right now so you have conversation starters.”
Prepare for Pushback
Some grandparents will deny the problem entirely. Others will minimize it: “Oh, kids are too sensitive.” Some will get defensive or hurt. Focus on the Family suggests saying your piece calmly and then giving the grandparent time to reflect, even if their initial reaction is defensive. Change often happens quietly, after the conversation has had time to sink in.
If they continue to deny the favoritism despite clear evidence, don’t push harder in that moment. Plant the seed, then watch for changes over the following weeks.
What to Tell Your Kids When They Notice
Your child raised the issue. Now what?
The worst thing you can do is gaslight them: “No, grandma loves you the same!” If they’ve already noticed the difference, dismissing their observation teaches them not to trust what they see, feel, and hear.
Validate Without Villainizing
You want to acknowledge their feelings without turning them against their grandparent:
- “I can see why you feel that way, and your feelings make total sense.”
- “It does seem like grandma spends more time with Jake sometimes. That must hurt.”
- “You deserve to feel just as special. I’m sorry it doesn’t always feel that way.”
Explain Without Excusing
For older children, age-appropriate context can help:
- “Grandma lives closer to Jake, so she sees him more. It doesn’t mean she loves you less — it just means they’ve had more time together.”
- “Some grown-ups are better at connecting with kids who are interested in the same things they are. That’s not your fault.”
Reinforce Their Worth
The most important message: this is not about them. Make sure your child knows they are deeply loved, and that their value doesn’t depend on how much attention one grandparent gives them.
- Surround them with other adults who do show consistent love and interest — aunts, uncles, family friends, the other grandparents.
- Build their confidence in other areas so that one grandparent’s inattention doesn’t define their self-image.
When Favoritism Is Really About Distance
Here’s a reality that most articles on grandparent favoritism overlook: sometimes the favoritism isn’t about preference at all — it’s about proximity.
The grandparent who lives 15 minutes from one set of grandchildren will inevitably know those kids better. They attend the soccer games. They do the school pickup. They’re there for the spontaneous Tuesday afternoon visit. Meanwhile, your kids — who live three states away — are the ones grandma struggles to remember details about.
That stings. But it’s a fixable problem. Distance doesn’t have to mean disconnection.
Practical ways to close the gap:
- Regular video calls with structure. Don’t just call and say “say hi to grandma.” Plan a short activity — read a book together, show a drawing, play 20 questions. Kids engage better when there’s a purpose. Check out our guide on long-distance grandparenting for more ideas.
- Send regular updates. Grandparents can’t ask about Emma’s dance recital if they didn’t know it happened. A weekly text with photos, or a monthly family newsletter, keeps distant grandparents in the loop so they have something meaningful to discuss. Services like Hug Letters print and mail a monthly family newspaper directly to grandparents’ doors — no tech skills required.
- Plan intentional visits. When you do visit, give grandparents and grandchildren one-on-one time. Don’t pack the schedule so full that there’s no room for the quiet moments where bonding actually happens.
- Create shared rituals. A bedtime phone call. A monthly letter exchange. A shared journal that travels back and forth. These small, consistent touchpoints build the familiarity that proximity usually provides. We’ve gathered ideas in our post on family traditions with grandparents.
The goal isn’t to make every grandparent relationship identical. It’s to make sure that distance doesn’t become an excuse for disengagement.
When to Set Boundaries (And When to Walk Away)
Not all grandparent favoritism is created equal. There’s a spectrum, and your response should match where on that spectrum your situation falls.
Mild Favoritism: Monitor and Nudge
The grandparent is generally loving but gravitates more toward one grandchild. They’re willing to listen when you bring it up. This is the most common scenario, and it usually improves with awareness and gentle coaching.
Your move: Have the conversation, suggest specific actions, and give it a few months. Track whether things change.
Persistent Favoritism: Set Clear Expectations
The grandparent has been told but hasn’t changed. Your child is noticeably affected. This calls for firmer boundaries.
Your move: Be direct: “We need to see equal effort with both kids, or we’ll need to limit group visits and do one-on-one time only.” Follow through.
Harmful Favoritism: Protect Your Child
The grandparent actively criticizes, ignores, or undermines the less-favored child. Your child dreads visits. The grandparent is dismissive when confronted.
Your move: Limit exposure. You are not required to put your child in a situation that damages their self-esteem, even if it means difficult family conversations. As the American Academy of Pediatrics notes, children’s mental health must take priority in family decision-making.
Walking Away Is a Last Resort, Not a First Response
Cutting off grandparents entirely should be reserved for situations where the favoritism is genuinely damaging and the grandparent refuses to change. Before you reach that point, try every reasonable approach — conversations, structured visits, enlisting other family members. But if you’ve exhausted those options and your child is being hurt, walking away is not failure. It’s parenting.
How to Prevent Favoritism Before It Starts
If you’re reading this because you see early signs — or because you want to head off a problem with a new grandchild on the way — here are proactive strategies.
Keep grandparents informed about every grandchild equally. Don’t assume they know what’s going on in your child’s life. Send photos, share milestones, and talk about your child’s interests during your regular conversations.
Facilitate one-on-one time. Group visits naturally favor the loudest, most outgoing child. Individual time gives quieter kids a chance to shine.
Address it early. The longer favoritism goes unchecked, the harder it is to reverse. If you notice a pattern forming after the first or second grandchild, have the conversation before it calcifies into a fixed dynamic.
Model fairness yourself. Grandparents take cues from how you talk about your children. If you’re constantly sharing updates about one child and rarely mentioning the other, you may be unintentionally guiding the grandparent’s attention.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal for grandparents to have a favorite grandchild?
Yes. Having a private preference is normal and nearly universal — the 2014 Journals of Gerontology study found 75% of grandmothers admitted to it. What matters is behavior, not feelings. A grandparent who privately feels closer to one grandchild but consistently treats all grandchildren with equal warmth and attention is doing nothing wrong. The problem starts when internal preference becomes visible differential treatment.
How does grandparent favoritism affect a child long-term?
Research on differential treatment within families shows increased risk of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem in the less-favored child, according to studies reviewed by the National Institutes of Health. The severity depends on how close the grandparent relationship is, how obvious the favoritism is, and whether the parents validate the child’s experience. Children who feel their parents acknowledge and advocate for them are more resilient.
What if my spouse doesn’t see the favoritism?
This is incredibly common, especially when the favoring grandparent is your spouse’s parent. People tend to normalize dynamics they grew up with. Try keeping a low-key log of specific incidents for a few weeks, then share the pattern with your spouse privately. Concrete examples are much harder to dismiss than vague feelings.
Should I confront my mother-in-law about playing favorites?
Yes, but through your spouse ideally. Having their own child raise the concern is far more effective than hearing it from a daughter-in-law or son-in-law, where it can be perceived as an outsider criticizing the family. Support your spouse in having the conversation, help them prepare talking points, and be ready for it to take multiple conversations before change happens.
Protecting Your Child While Preserving the Relationship
Grandparent favoritism is one of those family dynamics that’s incredibly painful precisely because no one wants to talk about it. The grandparent doesn’t want to admit it. Your spouse might not see it. And you’re left holding your child’s hurt feelings, wondering if you’re overreacting.
You’re not overreacting. Your child’s emotional wellbeing matters more than family harmony, and advocating for them is not causing drama — it’s parenting.
Start with empathy. Lead with specifics. Give grandparents a chance to change. And if they don’t, be prepared to do what’s best for your kid, even if it’s uncomfortable. The goal isn’t a perfect family. It’s a family where every child feels seen and loved.
About Martin Gouy
Martin is the founder of Hug Letters. Hug Letters is a family newsletter for grandparents. Every month, grandparents receive a heartwarming newspaper with photos and stories from the whole family.