How to Talk to a Parent with Dementia: A Guide

You call your mom on a Sunday afternoon. She picks up and you have to explain that it’s you, her daughter. She says “oh, that’s nice” with a politeness she’d use for a stranger. You get off the phone and sit in the car for ten minutes before heading home.

Nobody prepares you for learning how to communicate with a parent who has dementia. We all know the “don’ts.” Be patient. Don’t be in a rush. Don’t argue. But who taught you what to do when the lump in your throat refuses to go away while your parent is looking at you, not knowing who you are? And who showed you what to do when your mom calls on the phone and repeats the same phrase over and over again? And what do you say when your dad gets mad at you for something that didn’t happen?

This guide includes advice on how to communicate with a parent who has dementia. It also includes the emotional reality of talking to your parent with dementia. Things that you rarely read about on a dementia website or medical blog. Remember that communicating with your parent with dementia isn’t just about following the rules. It’s about how to stay connected to a parent with dementia when the rules are always changing.

How your parent with dementia communicates

Dementia doesn’t take over your parent completely. It’s not like they don’t exist anymore. Dementia slowly unravels how your parent speaks and communicates, making it easier for you to manage and understand the changes happening in your parent’s mind.

According to the National Institute on Aging, people with dementia face progressive damage to the brain cells. They have trouble communicating and speaking. This damage can also hurt their ability to retrieve memories and regulate their emotions. Simply put, your parent may:

• Use vague language like “that thing” when they lose a specific word during their speech
• Say the same thing over and over during their conversation
• Confuse you with someone else, like you with a sibling
• React to your frustration or sadness before they hear the words you’re trying to say to them
• Talk about events that occurred decades ago as if they happened that very day

The final point isn’t always as clear as it could be. Your parent isn’t being difficult or confused on purpose. Their brain is pulling from the files that are still intact, even when the recent ones are gone.

8 communication tips to remember

These aren’t just nice ideas. They’re techniques recommended by the Alzheimer’s Association that real families use every day.

1. Approach them from the front

Don’t call your parent’s name from another room. Or touch their shoulder from behind, startling them. Enter their line of sight first. Greet your parent by name. And then begin your interaction. This gives your parent time to adjust their thinking to your request. They won’t feel startled by the conversation that you have.

2. Use short, simple sentences.

Ask one question at a time. Do not ask, Do you want chicken or fish for dinner, and should we eat inside or on the patio? Instead try, Would you like chicken tonight? Let them answer. Then ask the next question.

3. Give them time

A healthy brain processes speech almost instantly. A brain affected by dementia may need 20 to 30 seconds to decode a sentence and form a response. Count to yourself if you have to. The silence feels awkward, but interrupting or rephrasing too fast only adds confusion.

4. Offer choices, not open-ended questions

What do you want to do today? is too much. Would you like to go for a walk or sit in the garden? is doable. Two clear choices let your parent feel in control without overstraining their brain.

5. Match your body language to your words

Your parent processes your face and posture before they understand the words. Smile when you greet them. Sit at their eye level. Let them see your hands, and keep your body loose. Your calm physical presence tells them they are safe even if they cannot understand the words you spoke.

6. Step into their reality

If your mom tells you she needs to pick up the kids from school, even if those children are in their 50s, do not correct her. Telling the truth to a brain that cannot process it creates only distress. Redirect gently: Those children are being looked after. Let us just have a cup of tea instead.

7. Use names instead of pronouns

Sarah called today is easier to process than She called today. Pronouns require a listener to keep track of their context, a skill that is among the first to go with dementia.

8. Lean on music and familiar phrases

Research in the Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease shows that music memory is frequently among the very last skills lost when talking memory fades. Sing a tune your family often used, recite a prayer, or repeat a phrase that used to be familiar. They might open up to you when regular speech does not.

What Not to Say to a Parent with Dementia

It is just as important to know what to avoid as it is to know what to say. These common phrases may be well-meaning, but they usually lead to conflict.

• “Don’t you remember?” This focuses on your parent’s memory loss. They often cannot remember, so you have also made them feel ashamed.
• “I just told you that.” True, but it does not help. Repetition is a dementia symptom, not a choice.
• “That’s wrong” or “No, that’s not what happened.” Factual correction confuses them and may even lead to anger. Your corrections will likely be ignored.
• “You can’t do that anymore.” Even if that is accurate, express limitations gently. “Let me help you with that” is an act of respect.
• Asking them “Do you know who I am?” leaves them feeling cornered. Instead, offer a warm introduction, “Hello Mom, it’s Sarah, your daughter.”

Keep this rule top of mind; preserve their dignity and they will feel secure, rather than assessed. Looking for a gift idea for a loved one living with dementia? Consider sensory gifts that bring comfort to someone with Alzheimer’s.

How to Talk to a Parent with Dementia on the Phone

A phone call is a tricky conversation because, without your facial expressions, body language, or the ability to reference visual context clues, a call to your loved one can feel a bit confusing.

Here are some tips to make phone calls go a little smoother.

• Call at the same time every day. This helps establish a routine. If you parent has assisted living, inquire with the staff when your parent is more alert (usually mid-morning).
• Introduce yourself clearly. “Hello Mom, it’s Sarah, your daughter.” Don’t wait around for them to recognize your voice.
• Keep the conversation brief. Five to ten minutes can be the sweet spot for a phone call. If conversations drag on for too long it creates fatigue and frustration for both parties.
• Prepare a topic. Choose something that has a strong sensory element. For example, “I just made your apple pie recipe today. The house smells like apples and cinnamon.” Smells and familiar places and food can anchor your parent during the phone call.
• Be okay with them retelling stories. If your parent shares the same story over and over, they may ask you to do so multiple times per day. Be patient and show genuine interest in each one. To your parent it is new every time they say it.
• Try video calls. Just be mindful of it. Video can be a powerful connection since it allows your parent to see your face and body language, but for some, the video technology itself is confusing. Video call ideas for grandparents and grandchildren can help. If your parent does well with video chats, keep the calls brief, and make sure there is good lighting.

If your parents find a phone call to you stressful rather than connecting, don’t feel like you’re a bad daughter or son. It may be a sign of the dementia progressing and you may want to think of more ways to communicate with your parent.

When Your Parent Gets Angry or Agitated

A common and very difficult situation while talking with someone who has dementia is that they can lash out at you and say mean or hurtful things to you. They may even yell, threaten, or hit. For instance, maybe your parent thinks you stole their purse or that they need to go “home” even though they are home, or they get upset during a physical care routine.

Keep in mind that it is not a reflection on the kind person that is usually your parent. The Family Caregiver Alliance explains that the reason they are acting out is because of an unmet need. Agitation can be a side effect of pain, overstimulation, fear, frustration at not having control, or feeling overwhelmed. It can be the only language they have available for communicating at that moment.

If your parent gets frustrated:

1. Remain calm. Slow down and breathe. Talk to them with a calming tone. They will feed off of your energy.
2. Do not take it personally. It’s the situation they’re angry at, not you, no matter how personal it feels.
3. Find the trigger. Is their physical body hurting? Are they in the midst of sensory overload? Try to address what’s causing it first rather than responding to how it shows up.
4. Redirect, don’t dispute. “Look, the garden’s blooming!” works better than “Calm down!”
5. Take a time out. If you need a few minutes to collect yourself, it’s OK to go for a five minute break and come back. Coming back calm is better than staying put and fuming.

If you’re visiting a parent at an assisted living facility, let the staff know about the triggers you know about. Keeping a consistent message across staff and family members helps.

How to communicate with your parent in different stages of Alzheimer’s

Every stage is different, and you need to adjust how you communicate as Alzheimer’s progresses.

Mild Alzheimer’s

Your parent is still capable of a conversation. You might notice them searching for the right word, asking the same questions multiple times, or seeming confused occasionally. This is a good time to discuss end-of-life wishes and other important matters. If you’re feeling stuck on what to talk about during calls, keep it simple, talk about what you know, include them in decisions, and be patient with their responses.

Moderate Alzheimer’s

Your parent’s conversation will be shorter and less logical than before. They may forget where or who they are, become agitated, or become confused during an interaction. Focus on connecting instead of information sharing. Talk about familiar topics. Bring a photo, music, or an object for them to focus on during the conversation.

Severe Alzheimer’s

Your parent may not be speaking anymore, or at all. However, even in the late stages, your parent is still responding to touch, your voice, and music. Touch their hand. Speak with them gently, even if they can’t talk back to you. According to the Alzheimer’s Society, their sense of your love and presence continues even after they can no longer understand what you’re saying.

When Words Stop Working

There will come a point when conversation as you knew it isn’t possible anymore. This is one of the hardest thresholds in the entire dementia journey, and it deserves to be named rather than glossed over.

You can still communicate without using your voices. Try one of these strategies with your parent:

• Touch. Hold their hand. Run your fingers through their hair or give them a gentle back rub.
• Music. Play songs from their generation. If they can, sing along, too. You don’t have to have the perfect words or melody.
• Photos. Include them in your decision-making and bring a familiar photo or family newsletter to the room. They’ll have a visual to refer to when speaking to staff during daily care and will feel comforted to see that their family loves them.
• Smells. Certain smells can trigger memories: their favorite perfume or lotion, a sweet treat, or even a fresh scent like a flower or a garden.
• The comfort of your presence. Simply sit with them and watch a bird fly by a window. Even the quiet moments of your presence mean something to them.

Are you wondering how to explain their condition to your kids? The how to explain a grandparent’s declining health to them conversation is a separate, equally critical conversation. Children who understand the situation can often be an incredible wellspring of comfort during visits.

Common Questions

How do you start a conversation with a parent who has dementia?

Start by approaching from the front, calmly making eye contact, and introducing yourself as your name and relation (“Hi Dad, it’s Michael, your son. It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?”). Avoid questions like, “Do you remember that we had lunch with Bob yesterday?” Stick to familiar topics like favorite food, past hobbies, and family stories they have told you numerous times.

Should I correct a parent with dementia if they say something incorrect?

Not if it is just a factual error, but more likely a confusion or misunderstanding on their part. This only causes confusion and upset because they will likely never retain the correction. Instead, find a place to empathize with their feeling, then redirect the conversation. If your mom keeps talking about the job she retired from 20 years ago, say, “You did so well there, what was your favorite part?”

How often should I be calling or visiting my parent who has dementia?

Smaller more consistent interactions than large less consistent ones. Consistency is key; for instance, having a phone conversation every day at a certain time can offer some predictability and comfort. A common recommendation I hear from caregivers is that 30-60-minute visits, two to three times a week, are the norm, although of course, it depends on both the individual and where they are in the progression of the illness and what their energy level is that day.

What do I do if my parent with dementia can’t tell me who I am?

It is one of the hardest moments when your mom or dad can’t place you. Don’t make them try to answer or remember. Introduce yourself as your name and relation, and move away from a factual place towards an emotional connection. You can still sit in a chair with them or in the same room with them, holding their hand, playing the music they like to listen to, looking at old pictures they may have been able to see, even if they don’t know you by your name, or what you have in common they know by heart, they still have a sense and recognize you by.

You’re Not Losing Them All at Once

Even when dementia begins to take away more and more words, love remains. While a conversation may be limited, words may not ring true, and responses, while quiet, still there may still be a connection.

The information presented in this article can’t turn back time for your mother or father, there are still going to be hard days with difficult conversations. But no matter how hard you try, or what you do, when you do, you are reminding them of what their body still retains, and can’t take away; that they are not alone and that you love them regardless.

And no matter the circumstances, that message will be heard.