How to Help Your Aging Parent After Losing a Spouse

Your second loss of a parent occurs when your mother or father is left widowed. During that initial period of shock, your own grieving takes a back burner. Now you are making calls, handling paperwork, making sure Mom has had lunch. Nobody warns you that it will leave you exhausted and confused.

If you are thinking, how do I help my aging parent who lost a spouse? know that you’re not alone. There are millions of aging parents who have been left widowed, and millions of adult children who are trying to navigate the situation and support their parent, and often their kids. The good news is that your presence, and a little bit of practical help, can go a long way in helping your parent cope with the grief.

In this guide, we’ll tell you what to do in the first few weeks following their loss, how to handle their money, warning signs you might see in your widowed parent, and ways you can fight their loneliness.

What Your Aging Parent Is Grieving After Losing Their Spouse

Grief isn’t just emotional. It is physical. Your aging parent might be unable to sleep, or unable to eat, or have pain in their chest. Studies show that intense grief can result in broken heart syndrome (takotsubo cardiomyopathy), a medical condition where stress hormone surges temporarily weaken the heart. Source: StatPearls

But grief doesn’t just affect the body. Your widowed parent has lost the person who has eaten dinner with them and taken their place at their side for decades. This isn’t just losing a partner. It’s losing all their daily activities. Who will they talk to during dinner? Who will know if they aren’t feeling well? It is hard to quantify all of the small losses that they’re enduring.

It’s important to note that these losses are not linear. One week, your aging parent might be feeling better than they have in weeks. The following week, they’re a mess. Sometimes, they’ll talk about their spouse. Other times they’ll avoid the topic. Both responses are normal. Your job is not to “fix” their grief, but to accompany them on their path through it.

Helping Your Aging Parent in the First Weeks Following Their Loss

The initial period of shock will likely take a few days before it dissipates. Your aging parent will be surrounded by people who will help them out. And then when all the casseroles have left, and the neighbors are gone, that’s when it becomes really hard. In those initial moments, here is how you can help:

Check in consistently. It is more helpful to check in weekly rather than make one giant visit. If you can come visit weekly, great. If you can’t, set a reminder on your phone and call your parent weekly. And keep to it.

Take care of the house. Mow the lawn. Buy groceries. Do things they used to let their spouse handle until you can help them handle it again. Some spouses have never had to make a payment online or replace their HVAC filter or cook dinner. Don’t assume they can.

Manage visitors. People want to help, and some family members and friends may not be respecting boundaries. Offer to answer the phone, organize meal delivery, or just sit with your parent in silence. Do not pressure them to decide to move or sell the house or pass on their belongings. Kim Mooney, a certified thanatologist and end-of-life education provider, says families should avoid making life-altering decisions in the first year after a loss.

Help with Financial and Legal Tasks

One of the hardest aspects of losing a spouse is all the paperwork. Your parent may not be up to handling it, and the deadlines won’t wait. If you have had the financial conversation with your parent before, you are already in a better position to help.

The timeline for handling the financial and legal tasks can look like this:

The first two weeks:

• Order several certified copies of the death certificate (you’ll need 10 to 15 copies)
• Contact Social Security, Medicare, and any pension providers
• Contact the bank to change account access
• File for life insurance claims

First month:

• Check for recurring bills and subscriptions, cancel or transfer them
• Let the landlord or mortgage company know
• Change the car title and the car insurance
• Reach out to an estate attorney, if there is a will

First three months:

• File the deceased spouse’s final tax return
• Check your parent’s will and beneficiary information, update it as needed
• Check what survivor benefits the parent qualifies for

Keep all the important documents in one place, a shared folder for both you and your parent, either digital or physical. They are going to need them.

Signs to Watch for in a Grieving Parent

Grief is a healthy response to a loss, but complicated grief is a problem. According to the National Institute on Aging, prolonged grief disorder is a clinical condition diagnosed when a person’s grief reaction is prolonged and intense, continuing over a period of 12 months and causing significant problems in their daily functioning.

Here are some warning signs of complicated grief:

• Completely cutting out all social interaction over the span of weeks
• Not taking care of their physical health through medications or doctor appointments
• Losing a significant amount of weight from lack of eating
• Expressing desires to die or see no reason to carry on
• Increased drinking or misuse of medications
• Inability to perform basic functions for many months

If you see several of these signs, it may be time to encourage professional help from a grief counselor. If the parent does not want it, then you need to read up on what to do if elderly parents won’t accept help.

How to Help Your Widowed Parent Fight Loneliness

Loneliness is the silent killer that comes with the loss of a spouse. If a loved one had the company of another person for 40 or 50 years, the silence of a home can seem unbearable. According to the AARP Foundation, social isolation raises older adults’ risk of developing dementia by 50 percent, heart disease by 29 percent and dying prematurely by 26 percent.

Here are some ways that you can help:

Rebuild a routine. Assist your parent in establishing a new routine. A weekly visit from a neighbor to grab coffee, or a weekly lunch with a friend, or a regular visit to a community center, can bring some of the structure back that their spouse once provided.

Encourage old friendships. Your parent may have allowed friendships to drop away while caregiving. Encourage them to reestablish a connection. Offer to drive them to a friend’s house or organize a regular outing.

Recommend a support group. There is a specific loneliness involved in the death of a spouse. For your parent, a widow or widower support group is often a unique comfort because people there understand the loneliness of losing a life partner. These groups are offered through many hospitals, churches and community centers.

Keep the grandchildren involved. If your parent has grandchildren, those bonds may be extra important now. A video chat with a grandchild, a drawing in the mail, or a weekend visit, can bring joy to an otherwise empty week. Keep them in touch through a regular family text or a monthly family newsletter like Hug Letters so they can remember that they are still part of a living, growing family.

For additional resources, especially if your parent is currently residing in a care facility, check out our guide on reducing loneliness for parents in assisted living.

Supporting a Widowed Parent from a Distance

Many children have elderly parents who live far away. The added challenge of distance does not have to mean the added challenge of isolation for a widowed parent.

Establish a call schedule. Start by offering daily or every-other-day calls in the first months, and then move to calls at least weekly after that. Keep calls relatively short, but warm, instead of extended and obligatory.

Establish local connections. Connect with their neighbors, friends, and members of their church community who may be able to pop over during your absence. Consider hiring a paid companion or home aide even if it’s just for a couple of hours a week.

Use technology to communicate. If your parent is open to learning, consider setting up a shared family photo app or a regular video calling routine. Alternatively, start a family text that shares updates with your widowed parent. If your parent does not know how to use technology, consider analog alternatives for sharing family photos.

Send things you can touch. Telephone calls are gone as soon as you hang up the phone. If you send your parent a physical letter, card or family newsletter, it will remain on their kitchen counter for days. Physical items give your parent something that they can hold, reread and pass along to visitors. Check out our guide on what to write in a letter to aging parents if you are struggling with what to say.

Mark the hard dates. The first wedding anniversary, the first birthday, the first holiday season without their spouse. Put these dates on your calendar and make sure you call, visit, or send something. These are the days your parent dreads most.

Don’t Neglect Your Own Grief

And the part no one really wants to talk about? You’re grieving, too. You lost a parent.

But because your surviving parent depends on you so much, yours is a grief often postponed. A Place for Mom found that adult children may put their own grief on hold for months or even years while focusing on the needs of their surviving parent. You may be too busy planning a funeral, making doctor’s appointments, and offering emotional support to mourn the loss of your parent.

Until you can’t. Eventually, you’ll need to deal with your own grief.

Allow yourself the time to process. Find a friend, therapist, or support group of your own. You have to fill your own cup before you can pour into theirs.

If you’re part of the sandwich generation, caring for your parent and your kids at the same time, you’re probably already pretty swamped. Take time for yourself. Even a 15-minute drive to just decompress before returning home can help.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does it take an elderly person to grieve the loss of a spouse?

Everyone grieves at a different rate, so there’s no hard and fast rule. Many experts suggest the worst is done by about 12 months, but it is common for people to be affected by waves of grief years after their spouse dies. According to the National Institute on Aging, grief that significantly impairs daily functioning beyond 12 months may indicate prolonged grief disorder.

What should I not say to my grieving parent?

Try to avoid platitudes, no matter how true. Things like “He’s in a better place now,” or “At least they didn’t have to suffer” or even “You should move on” will probably hurt the person grieving their spouse. “I’m here for you” is much better, or “I’m sad too,” or “I miss them,” or, even better yet, “I love you.” Even sitting and listening and saying nothing can be very helpful.

When should I worry about my widowed parent living alone?

Watch out for missed medications, spoiling food in the fridge, or unexplained bruises. You may also see unpaid bills or a drastic change in their weight. If you see any of these signs, it might be time to consider hiring a home healthcare aide or moving your parent into an assisted living community.

How can grandchildren help a grieving grandparent?

The presence of grandchildren can make a big difference in a grieving grandparent’s life, bringing energy back into an often somber house. Encourage regular phone or in-person chats with the kids. A hand-drawn card, a school update, or even a video from your child’s soccer game can make them smile. Even the smallest children can be comforting simply by being present. Older grandchildren can help with chores, tech setup, or just sitting together watching a favorite show.

Moving Forward Together

Caring for your aging parent after the loss of their spouse will be hard, and at times it may feel thankless. But the effort you put in, doing the things your parent can no longer manage, staying patient and kind during their grief, showing up again and again, makes a real difference. Your steady presence can be what separates a parent who withdraws from life from one who slowly finds a new path.

You don’t have to do this perfectly. You just have to be there.